


Faith in the Devil

by orphan_account



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Asphyxiation, Autoerotic Asphyxiation, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mind Games, Oral Sex, Road Trips, Swearing, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-03-19 02:37:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13695120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Rick and Negan, trying to figure each other out in the middle of nowhere.





	1. A Long Way From Home

**Author's Note:**

> Finally posting my first Regan fic! This takes place after 7.01 and is canon divergent from then on. Rick has never been in a relationship with Michonne in this universe -- he's been on his own for a long time, and that will influence some of his actions here. I'm not sure how many chapters this will go on for, and I should warn readers in advance that things are going to get more dark and angsty. I would appreciate any/all feedback. Thank you for reading :)

Negan was an erratic driver. He was too used to being chauffeured around by other people, Rick supposed.

Against all the odds, the rusty RV stayed on the winding road, but Rick’s thoughts were scrambled. He had lost all sense of direction, all notion of time. Negan had come for him, and Rick had no choice but to play along. Perhaps he was going to die out here.

In his estimation, they were a couple of hours south of Alexandria. All the small towns started to blur into one another after a while, their best supplies long since ransacked, nothing left but desolation and the Walkers that overran them. There was no wonder everybody was fighting over food.

“W-where are you taking me?” Rick stuttered, as they headed away from a built-up area and back out into the wilderness.

“Goddammit, would you just fucking relax?” Negan tightened his grip on the steering wheel, his knuckles whitening. “You’re ruining our playdate.”

“This is _not_ a damn playdate.” Rick spat the words out bitterly, though his cheeks flushed crimson. He had never met a man with a more inappropriate sense of humor than Negan. Under the circumstances, it was disgusting.

“It is whatever the fuck I say it is.” Negan laughed deeply, heartily. The sound of it made Rick’s skin crawl. “I drag you away from the monotony of Alexandria out of the kindness of my fucking heart, and all you do is whine like a damn bitch.”

“Don’t act like you’re doin’ me a favor. I didn’t ask for any of this.”

“And my good people didn’t ask to be killed. Murdered in their sleep, in cold blood.” Negan glanced in Rick’s direction, and for the first time, Rick thought he saw a flash of sadness lying behind those dark eyes. “You’re a fucking animal, Ricky.”

“Glenn and Abraham… they were good people too.” Rick struggled to get the words out. Negan’s grief had unnerved him. The Savior was human too, after all.

“Oh, you’re funny,” Negan said with a burst of humorless laughter. “A real fucking comedian. Shit, you’re makin’ my sides split.”

Rick sat back, trying to swallow his fear. His quickened heart rattled against his ribcage, and the hairs on the back of his neck stood to attention. But Negan roused other emotions in him, too – his least favorite of those was guilt.

Maybe Rick was the real monster, after all.

–

They pulled into a clearing surrounded by dense forest. Rick’s eyes widened, his throat going dry. He was experiencing a sense of déjà vu.

It was identical to the place from that fateful night when Negan broke him down and reduced him to a sobbing, begging, mess in front of his son and his people. The same night he watched two of his own get beaten to death, and he had to _let_ it happen.

Now, instead of mist and darkness, the patch of land was drenched in sun. The midday heat was cruel and relentless, and Rick found himself wondering why he only ever saw Negan wearing a thick leather jacket and that ridiculous red scarf of his. It was an oddly amusing thought, and he held onto it. He could not allow Negan to frighten him or to push him any further.

“What now?” Rick asked, sighing with impatience.

“Damn.” Negan threw his hands up in the air. “Do you have somewhere else you gotta be? Am I not fucking entertaining enough for you?”

Rick was perspiring, and it wasn’t just because of the temperature.

“Stop taking yourself so fucking seriously.” Negan raised his voice. “You stubborn son of a bitch.”

“What do you want from me?” Rick gritted his teeth together. “Why did you bring me all the way out here?”

“You’ll find out soon enough,” he said, licking his lips. “I’m gonna have some fucking fun with you today.”

Without warning, Negan slammed his fist on the horn. The noise blasted through the forest, ripping through the air. It must have been audible far, far away. Rick’s blood ran cold.

–

The Walkers came in their droves – from the forest, from the road, from out of nowhere.

“Stop it!” Rick grabbed Negan’s hands, the sound of the horn resonating painfully in his ears. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Negan pushed him away effortlessly, erupting into laughter once more.

They were surrounded now. The RV rocked and creaked under the weight of the Walkers, their moans and gurgles becoming louder and more desperate. Rick watched as grey, skeleton-like fingers clawed at the windscreen, bending the glass.

“Well, shit, Rick,” Negan said the words in a low, musical whisper. “Looks like they’re gonna break through. You and I, we’re toast.”

Rick turned his head towards him, his mouth wide open. “What is this, a damn test?” His voice wavered, and his palms were clammy. Negan scared the hell out of Rick with his unpredictability.

“You gonna pass it?” Negan stood up and walked to the back of the vehicle. He lifted Lucille up, offering her to Rick. The baseball bat was, to his relief, completely clean. “Fuck, I’ve never watched her with another man before. Makes me hard just thinking about it.”

“You’re sick.” Rick spat the words out bitterly, but something stirred deep within him. His stomach fluttered.

“When was the last time you touched a real lady?” Negan asked with a deep and throaty laugh. “Let’s see what you can do with her, Rick. See if she brings out your nasty side. Go on. Take her, if you wanna live.”

Rick shuddered with revulsion as Negan placed Lucille in his hand. The bat was worn and tarnished in several places, the barbed wire digging deep into the smooth plane of hard wood. Rick became lightheaded, as though the world spun around him.

“You know the drill.” Negan gestured towards the roof. “Now get the fuck on with it.”

“You want me to go out there and kill those Walkers by myself?” Rick glared at him. “You aren’t gonna help?”

“Wow. You are fucking terrible at following instructions.”

“There’s too many of them.”

“You sayin’ the great Rick Grimes can’t handle it?”

A switch flipped inside Rick. He did _not_ like being dominated.

“Nah. I’m sayin’ I wanna kill you. Right here, right now, with _this_.” Rick raised Lucille above his shoulder, anger boiling inside him. He gripped the bat so tightly it was painful on his fingers.

He knew he wouldn’t go through with it. Negan and him, they weren’t done with each other. Not by a long shot.

“Now that’s the Rick I was looking for.” Negan sauntered towards him. “Jesus Christ, it’s good to see you when you’re not bawling and crying.”

Rick stared at him, blue eyes blazing.

“Remember,” Negan said, meeting his gaze. “You could try to kill me, but my men will be waiting back at Alexandria. See, I planned this fucking meticulously, and if I don’t return within the next 48 hours, they’re gonna start shooting people.”

Rick’s face dropped. Inwardly, he was shaking like a leaf. “You bastard.”

“I’m gonna need you to get to work now, cowboy.” Negan said coldly.

–

Rick had become too adept at killing.

It roused something in him, taking out all those Walkers. Being forced into subservience could do that to a man. Suddenly, Rick feared what Negan was making him become. Still, they were competitors, and Rick had no problem proving just how good he was at fighting.

With Lucille in his hands, he could finish a Walker with a single shot. Blood sprayed through the air, and all around him was chaos, the thud after thud of bodies falling.

“You’re enjoying yourself, aren’t you?” Negan’s husky voice broke through the mayhem.

Rick flashed him a steely gaze. Adrenaline surged through his body like a drug. He wasn’t a man anymore; he was a machine. One Walker got so close he could smell its putrid breath, the scent like something beyond death, and unimaginably horrid. He hit it between the eyes, Lucille making mincemeat of it.

Negan dared to laugh. “You dirty, dirty boy.”

The numbers dwindled until only a trickle of Walkers remained. Rick mopped at his brow, wiping away the splatters of blood and sweat which restricted his vision. He could just make out Negan, standing by the door of the RV, avidly watching. He was transfixed, and yet Rick saw something in his eyes that was beyond his usual bloodlust. What was it? Envy? Fear?

It was all so wrong. Rick didn’t know what the hell he was doing here, slaughtering mass numbers of Walkers for no reason. It was Negan who’d turned up at Alexandria and announced he was taking him on a scavenging trip. Instead, they were playing stupid games in the middle of nowhere, each man trying to figure the other one out.

The heat drained his energy, and Rick’s breaths became ragged. The sound of Negan’s coarse laughter got through to him, and Rick mustered what little strength he had left to pound Lucille ceaselessly against the heads of the last Walkers. As the final one fell, Rick collapsed onto the floor beside it.

“They make such a fucking mess when you put them down, don’t they?” Negan stood menacingly over him. “All soft and mushy. Suppose that’s what happens when you’re decomposing.”

Negan snatched Lucille out of Rick’s hands. Blood dripped off the bat, and he could see entrails lodged in the barbed wire.

“That’s gonna take some cleaning up.” Negan whistled dramatically, wiggling Lucille around in the air.

Bile rose in Rick’s stomach. He chastized himself for using Negan’s vile, repugnant weapon, and for being so good with it. He felt he was worse than a traitor.

He hadn’t got the energy to move anymore. Negan hauled him back into the RV by his shoulders, letting his legs drag against the ground.

After that, Rick blacked out.

–

A bottle of water was being pressed against his mouth.

“Drink,” Negan said. “C’mon. I’m not trying to fucking poison you. I’m doing you a favor.”

Rick choked, and the cold liquid stung his chapped lips. It felt like heaven when it went down his parched throat.

“You fainted.” Negan stared at him, brows furrowed.

“Did not,” Rick growled, snatching the bottle from him. He drank heavily. “Just got too hot out there.”

“Well shit, Rick. I fully intend on killing you, but I didn’t want to do it today.”

“I’m fine.”

“Sure you are.”

“Why didn’t you kill me?” Rick barely suppressed a laugh. “Get this over and done with, once and for all.”

Negan leaned down and cupped Rick’s face in his hand. It was the first time they’d ever touched skin to skin. Rick was painfully aware of the smell of his own sweat, the mess of his matted hair and the Walker blood and guts which were coating his body. Negan, on the other hand, smelt of a heady type of Cologne, and his beard was neatly trimmed. He was roguishly handsome. Being in such proximity to him was making Rick feel dizzy again.

It was the heat playing tricks on him. It had to be.

“I should hate you for what you did to my people,” Negan said, breath hot in Rick’s ear. “But I respect the hell out of you, Rick. I really fucking do. Especially after today. Seeing you like this, all filthy, all bloody, with defiance in your eyes. It’s a fucking revelation. You and me, we could have been heroes together in this new world. If we’d been on the same page, who the hell knows what we could have achieved.”

“I’ll never be on the same page as you.”

But Rick did not recoil from Negan’s hold on him.

“Shit, Rick.” Negan looked into his eyes. “So, that’s why you don’t have a girlfriend. You’re into guys.”

“I-I.” Rick swallowed hard. He did not like the way Negan tried to read people. “That’s none of your damn business.”

“What if I make it my business?”

“Go fuck yourself.” Rick spat the words out with simmering anger, but his groin stirred. He could tell he was starting to get hard. It’d been so long since he’d had sex. Why the hell did it have to be Negan that awakened that desire within him?

Rick hated his body for its treachery, its deceit.

“I think you’d rather have me fuck you,” Negan said, licking his lips.

“Then why don’t you just make me sleep with you?” Rick blurted the words out clumsily. “Like you do with your wives?”

Maybe part of him wished Negan would force him into having sex. It would make his life easier, his conscience a whole lot clearer. It wouldn’t matter if he enjoyed it.

Negan pulled back and started to tremble, but not with fear. His lip curled up in disgust. “What the hell do you think I am, Rick? Because I am many things – but I am not a fucking rapist.”

Rick sighed. Negan started to pace around the small space in the back of the RV.

“I have never, and I mean _never_ screwed one of my wives without express permission. They’re with me out of choice, and I provide them with fucking luxurious lives. Do you want to know what I do to people who put their hands or other body parts where they shouldn’t? Because that shit does not float with me. That shit is fucking disgusting. Hell, Rick. What kind of leader are you? Because I’m seriously beginning to wonder.”

“Fine. I get the picture.” Rick grimaced. He was sick and tired of these monologues, and ashamed he’d roused such a reaction from Negan.

 “No, Rick. I don’t think you do.” Negan folded his arms. “In fact, I don’t think you and I have come to an understanding at all. This is going to be a lot fucking harder than I thought.”

“What is?” Rick wrinkled his nose.

Negan didn’t reply. There was only an agonizing silence.

“Just take me home,” Rick said dully, not expecting Negan to comply.

“I think that’s a mighty fine idea.” Negan flopped into the driver’s seat and started the engine. “Best one you’ve had all day.”

Rick stared at him, aghast. Disappointment seeped into every part of his body, and a new kind of longing emerged from deep within.

He let Negan drive him back to Alexandria. He tried not to acknowledge the ache in his chest when later that night, they went their separate ways.

 


	2. Choke on These Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the support on the first chapter. Hope you all enjoy this one! Tags are being updated as I add more to the story, so please check them for any content that may be triggering.

The last Rick saw of Negan was when he stuck his hand out of the window of the RV and raised his middle finger, flipping him off. It was a fitting gesture, Rick supposed. The perfect ending to a fucked-up day.

The procession of Savior vehicles drove away into the distance soon after, and Rick stood in the darkness, longing for its blackness to swallow him whole.

Everything was quiet now Negan had left. It was like the color had drained out of Rick’s life, and his world had turned gray. He shivered, trying to shake off the feelings the man roused in him. Rick had been on his own for so long; he’d forgotten what it felt like to be attracted to another person. Out of everybody left in the world, Rick couldn’t believe he was drawn towards a man who was capable of such terrible things. It seemed like a cruel fate.

He’d already blown things between them, anyway. The look in Negan’s eyes when Rick had suggested he forced him into sex had said it all – his disgust, his revulsion. It had not been Rick’s finest moment, and now it haunted him. He’d misjudged Negan, and he did not doubt he and the rest of the group would pay dearly for it.

The gates opened, but Rick did not want to go back inside Alexandria. He stared up at the star-filled sky and felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes. He was not the same man as the one who’d left with Negan that morning. He’d spent the day killing indiscriminately, and Negan was right – Rick had enjoyed it. He was good at it, and the adrenaline still lingered in his bloodstream.

He was Negan’s dirty boy now. He was irredeemable. Nothing could save him.

“Dad?”

Carl’s voice cut through his stupor, and Rick’s stomach lurched. The sight of his son jogging towards him could have broken his heart in two, right there and then. He did not deserve Carl’s love. Not anymore.

“Dad, are you okay?”

Rick managed nothing more than a nod. He couldn’t look his son in the eye.

“What the fuck did that maniac do to you?” Carl’s brow furrowed.

“Watch your damn language, Carl!”

“I’m serious, dad.” Carl sighed. “You’re covered in blood.”

“It ain’t mine,” Rick said, though he thought that probably made things worse, not better. He looked at Carl’s face more closely and saw it was etched with pain. Guilt flooded over him in waves, as he acknowledged he’d caused it. A look passed between them, and Rick cleared his throat.

“What happened out there?” Carl asked again. “Where did he take you?”

“Nothin’ happened.” Rick waved a hand dismissively. “He drove me to the middle of nowhere, made me put down some Walkers. Guess he was just playin’ sick games with me.”

Carl’s eyes widened, but he nodded, seemingly satisfied with the response. Rick felt an immense relief wash over him. Carl didn’t need to know what had gone down between him and Negan. It would shame Rick if his son knew the man he truly was.

“They took a bunch of our food, dad.” Carl’s voice sounded on the verge of breaking.

Rick tilted his head up. “What? Who did?”

“The Saviors,” Carl replied. “While you were gone. They took some of our mattresses too.”

“What the hell?” A stab of anger pressed in Rick’s chest. “That wasn’t part of the deal.”

“I tried to stop them, but I couldn’t.” Carl’s mouth was twisted. “I let you down.”

“No, no,” Rick spoke soothingly and mustered the strength to get up to his feet. “Is everyone safe? Is everyone alive?”

Carl nodded solemnly.

“Then you didn’t let me down.” He pulled Carl into a hug, but Rick found his body no longer felt like his own. Negan had tainted it, somehow.

“They’re coming back.” Carl stared at him. “They’ll be here in three or four days, expecting more supplies from us. We don’t have enough to go around.”

“We’ll be ready,” Rick said the words with more conviction than he felt. “We’ll scavenge until we get what we need.”

“How can we?” Carl asked. “You look exhausted, dad.”

“I’ll be fine.” He patted Carl’s shoulder. “Just need some rest is all.”

“You’re gonna be sleeping on the floor.” Carl hung his head down, and Rick hated seeing him so dejected and ashamed when he needn’t be. None of this was Carl’s fault.

“You know me; I can fall asleep anywhere.” Rick smiled, ruffling Carl’s hair like he did when he was a child. “Let’s sleep on this, and we’ll figure everythin’ out in the mornin’. Together.”

Rick led Carl back through the gates of Alexandria, but he felt like a condemned man.

–

They arrived before dawn.

“Rick! Rick! Wake up!” Michonne shook him violently, but she needn’t have bothered. Rick was wide awake – he hadn’t managed to get any sleep at all.

“The hell’s goin’ on?” Rick rubbed his weary eyes, blinking as weak rays of sunlight hit them.

“They’re here,” Michonne replied. “Negan and his people.”

Rick did not react. It was as though his mind had gone numb. He lay back on the cold floor and stared at the ceiling, clutching the bed sheets in his hands.

“C’mon Rick,” Michonne whispered. “You gotta do something about this. We need you.”

For a moment, Rick wondered if Michonne had lost her mind – if this was a practical joke gone wrong; just an elaborate ruse. The Saviors couldn’t be here. It was physically impossible.

“Their base must be at least a couple hours away,” Rick said, thinking out loud. “You sayin’ they drove all the way there, only to come right back to Alexandria?”

Michonne nodded. “That’s exactly what I’m sayin’.”

“Makes no sense.” Rick rubbed his face. His stubble was quickly becoming a beard again.

“I think you better talk to Negan.” Michonne folded her arms.

Rick’s heart plunged to new depths of despair. He stumbled to his feet, and the room seemed to be spinning around him. He dressed back into yesterday’s bloodstained, sweat-soaked clothes.

–

“Jesus Christ, Rick. You look like shit.”

The sound of the familiar voice should have made Rick shudder with revulsion, but instead, his skin prickled with excitement.

“And I don’t wanna be the one telling you this, but hell, Rick, you need to take a fucking shower.”

Negan was leaning against the front door with a satisfied smirk on his face, as though he didn’t have a care in the world. He looked refreshed, while Rick was succumbing to exhaustion. Negan had lost no sleep over anything that had happened yesterday. The revelation stung Rick.

Lucille was resting on Negan’s shoulder. Somebody had meticulously cleaned the baseball bat again, and Rick briefly found himself wondering who’d been assigned the task. He felt unable to breathe as his eyes roamed over the deadly weapon. Before he had a chance to avert his gaze to the ground, Negan had already caught him watching.

“Did you miss her, Rick?” Negan stroked Lucille with his hands, as though she was his pet. “Did you think about my beautiful lady all night? Did you long to have her in your bed, next to you?”

Rick’s heart pounded, and he found it impossible to form a reply.

“Did you touch yourself when you thought about her?”

Negan’s voice deepened suggestively, and it had a husky quality to it. Rick found it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. Negan was doing it again – tempting him to embrace his dark side, making Rick want him. His groin started to ache.

“Shit – course you didn’t.” A wide smile spread across Negan’s face. “You thought about _me_.” He emphasized the last word dramatically.

“N-no. This is inappropriate.” Rick shook his head, but his words were useless.

“You thought about me doing that creepy rapey shit you’re into.” He let out a deep and throaty laugh. “You freaky ass motherfucker. Hell, Rick, I gotta confess – you just keep surprising me.”

“Negan, please…”

“And people think I’m the bad guy. How fucked up is that? You and I – well, we both know the truth. I saw how you were with those Walkers yesterday. You’re a cold-blooded killer!”

“Shut up!” Rick spat the words out angrily. “Why the hell are you here?”

“You gotta work on your charisma, Rick.” Negan raised an eyebrow. “Where’s your fucking hospitality?”

“You only left a few hours ago.” Rick tried to glare at him darkly, but his cheeks flushed crimson.

“Don’t I know it.” Negan let out an exaggerated sigh as he swayed on the spot. “Believe me, the last thing I want to see today is your sorry ass.”

“Then why did you come?” Carl appeared from behind the corner of the door.

Rick’s mouth went dry. He did not want Carl to witness this conversation. He had no idea what Negan might reveal to him. Things were going from bad to worse.

“Holy crap.” Negan’s face broke out into a smile, the corners of his eyes wrinkling. There was a genuine warmth about it, and it only made Rick’s nerves fray further. “How’s it goin’, Carl? It’s good to see ya buddy.”

“Carl, go back into the house,” Rick growled. “Check on Michonne and Judith.”

“I was doin’ fine until you got here.” Carl addressed Negan directly, looking him straight in the eye. “And I am _not_ your buddy.”

“I take it you Grimes boys aren’t morning people.” Negan ran his tongue over his lips.

Neither Carl nor Rick replied. The silence seemed never-ending.

“I’m here for my supplies.” Negan’s tone of voice was sinister. “This is not a fucking social visit. I want what you people promised me.”

“We’re not ready,” Carl yelled at Negan. “Your guys already stole a bunch of extra food yesterday.”

Negan laughed, but he did not deny the accusation.

Rick’s jaw dropped. “We got four more days. That was what we agreed. And your guys taking extra supplies is unacceptable, Negan.”

“Things have changed.” Negan grinned smugly. “I make the rules. Either I get my shit right now, or somebody’s gonna die. Come on, Rick. You brought this on yourself.”

“How?” Rick instantly regretted asking the question.

“By being so fucking rude to me on our road trip. Not cool, Rick. Not cool.”

Rick exchanged a look with Carl and felt his blood run cold.

“We don’t have enough for our group as it is,” Carl said, his voice never wavering. “You just made things even worse for us.”

Rick felt a stab of pride. His son was becoming a leader, and he was already a better man than Rick was.

“Well, that is sad.” Negan was still smiling. “It’s fucking tragic. Hasn’t Rick been providing for y’all?”

“This isn’t his fault.” Carl narrowed his eyes, and Rick could tell he was getting angrier. “Maybe if you didn’t make him waste his days by dragging him off to the middle of nowhere…”

“Hey!” Negan interjected. “I would watch your motherfucking tone if I were you.”

“Leave him out of this.” Rick stepped in front of Carl, creating a barrier between him and Negan. “Your fight is with me.”

“So, you have got a pair of balls,” Negan smirked, licking his lips. “I was beginning to wonder.”

“Carl, back in the house. _Now_.” Rick pronounced the words with such authority that Carl had no choice but to follow orders.

“But dad.”

“I wanna speak to Negan by myself.”

“This is so unfair.” Carl trudged away reluctantly.

“What if I don’t want to speak to you, you sorry son of a bitch?” Negan glared at Rick intensely, and he saw the anger that lay beneath his eyes. Negan was not going to forgive him easily, and suddenly, Rick began to fear what consequences yesterday’s indiscretions might have.

“Let me take you to the pantry,” Rick said pleadingly. “Then you can see exactly what we’ve got left for yourself.”

–

Olivia was reluctant to hand over the keys to the pantry to Rick, but she did so once she saw who accompanied him. Nobody in Alexandria wanted anything to do with Negan, and Rick couldn’t blame them.

Once again, he and Negan found themselves alone together. It just kept on happening. The pantry seemed impossibly claustrophobic, and Rick felt as though the walls were closing in on him. His breaths were quick as he led Negan inside and discreetly locked the door behind them, slipping the keys into his pocket.

“Is this all you got?” Negan screwed his face up, looking around at the meagre stash of supplies.

The pantry made for sorry viewing. There was a scattering of cans on the once crowded shelves, and very little besides. Rick remembered how full it was when he first arrived, and how his mouth had watered when he’d seen all the food on offer after being hungry for so long.

Things had changed very quickly.

“Yeah.” Rick put his hands on his hips and stood in the middle of the room. “We’ve never been this low on rations.”

“No, Rick. No, no, no.” Negan waved a finger at him. “This is unacceptable. This shit will not float with me.”

“What would you have me do?” Rick asked. “You want my people to starve?”

“You don’t get it, do you?” Negan raised his voice. “If your people starve, then they can’t provide for me. If I kill your people, then they can’t provide for me. My way of doing things is as fair as it’s going to get in this fucked up, sorry excuse of a world. You’ve gotta learn to work with me, not against me.”

Rick scoffed back laughter. “Sounds like you’re runnin’ a dictatorship.”

“That’s a very fucking offensive point of view.” Negan’s eyes were fixed on him sharply. “I’m a good leader. My people rely on me.”

“You sure you ain’t just feedin’ your people to keep your factory goin’?”

“I would be very, very careful about what you say next, Rick.” Negan lowered his voice until it had a menacing quality.

Rick shook his head in disbelief. For a guy who reckoned to be so good at reading people, Negan couldn’t see what was straight in front of his eyes. He was deluded. Whatever kind of operation he was running, it couldn’t benefit everybody. But Negan truly believed he was the solution. He believed he was making people’s lives better.

Negan was far too dangerous to exist in the new world.

“I just wanna know what all this is,” Rick said, purposely changing the subject. “Is it some kinda sick revenge?”

“I got no idea what you mean.”

“If your beef is with me, then punish me.” Rick almost begged him. “Don’t be turnin’ up here days before you said you would, expectin’ us to roll out the red carpet and hand you limitless supplies.”

“You got a very fucking high opinion of yourself, Rick Grimes.” Negan stared at him, unfazed. “Everything was ticking along nicely at the Sanctuary until you came along and screwed everything up.”

“Least I gave you somethin’ to do.” Rick glared back at him darkly. “Bet you were bored before I came along. Bet no one else has had the balls to stand up to you.”

“Look how well that’s working out for you, Sheriff.”

Negan stood against him, and their noses were almost touching. Rick felt a thrill run through his body.

“I’m taking a third of what’s in here today,” Negan said. “And in a week’s time when I come back, I wanna see these shelves overflowing. Because goddammit, Rick, you’re gonna be providing my people with the supplies we were promised and more besides. If you don’t, there’ll be serious fucking consequences. This is your final warning, cowboy.”

“Go to hell.” Rick’s anger was all-engulfing. He could not have stopped himself from exploding if he’d tried. “You can’t do this to us.”

“I just did.” Negan dared to smirk.

Something snapped deep within Rick. He’d been pushed too far, threatened too many times. He had reached his breaking point.

He and Negan would never be able to coexist, Rick told himself. Negan was far too obnoxious and set in his ways, and things were only getting worse between them. Both he and Rick were used to being leaders and not followers. Neither man was going to cave to the other’s demands, and they were going to take all their people down with them unless someone put a stop to it.

Rick was going to have to kill him, no matter what feelings Negan roused in him. The revelation hit him like a freight train. It wasn’t as though Rick had many redeeming qualities left – but killing Negan was going to eradicate the last of them.

Morning sunshine streamed through the windows of the pantry. Other members of the community would be getting up to make breakfast, to sit around their tables with each another and plan out their days.

Rick didn’t have long to plan the murder. His body went into fight or flight mode – he both feared the realization of his death and acknowledged his desperation for life. Killing Negan was a necessary sacrifice, and even if he took Rick down with him, it had to be done.

Rick blindsided Negan in one smooth movement, catching him under the chin with a clenched fist. Negan staggered but did not fall.

“You sneaky son of a bitch. You just made the biggest mistake of your sorry life.”

Negan turned to Rick with a brooding hatred in his eyes. Rick could barely take a breath, and his temples throbbed with an impending migraine.

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you to pick on guys your own size?” Negan grabbed him around the waist, gripping him with one hand. He was both taller and stronger than Rick and dominated him with frightening ease. With his spare hand, he swung Lucille.

Rick managed to dodge the bat, and both men crashed into one of the shelves, sending cans of precious food flying all around them. Briefly, Rick dreaded the lecture he was going to get from Olivia when she saw the mess. Then he remembered he probably wasn’t going to make it out of the pantry alive.

Negan winced in pain. He’d landed awkwardly, Rick realized, and as he stumbled to his feet, he was favoring his back.

It was now or never.

Rick flew at him, and the two of them collapsed onto the floor again. Rick managed to land a couple of punches on Negan’s face, and he smiled to himself as thick red blood began to drip from his nose.

“We could have had it all, you and I.” Negan’s words came in gasps. “But you had to go and screw it up, didn’t you?”

Rick shivered, and his ears rang painfully. Negan was the only person he’d wanted in so long, and oddly, Rick was grateful he’d come into his life. At least he’d made him remember how it felt to be alive.

From out of nowhere, Negan threw a punch to Rick’s kidneys. Breathing was impossible. They rolled over, and Negan landed on top of him. Rick felt like he was suffocating.

“Goddamnit, Rick. You left me no choice.” Negan scrambled for Lucille with his hand. Rick noticed that his eyes were wet with tears.

Negan raised the baseball bat, and as Rick looked up, it lingered directly above his skull. He had seconds to think, to react. His eyes landed on Negan’s ridiculous red scarf, and Rick reached for it. He pulled at it with frantic fingers and tightened it around Negan’s neck.

Negan didn’t move, but his brown eyes widened, as though he understood what was happening at the very last minute. Rick could see the terror etched on his face. Negan made a violent choking noise as his lungs fought for air.

Rick had him where he wanted him now. There was no way out of this. He pulled the scarf tighter, watching as Negan’s face turned crimson. He choked, and he gurgled; he made noises Rick had never heard come from a human nor a Walker.

It took much longer than Rick hoped it would. His hands were shaking, and his heart was hammering against his ribs. Rick hated the monster he’d become. This world had ruined both him and Negan and turned them into sadists. Rick wasn’t a religious man, but if he had been, then he would have prayed at that moment for their redemption.

Negan’s eyes rolled back; his lips were wet with saliva and coated with blood from his nose. The choking lessened in intensity until Rick could barely hear it at all. He was fading. Something hard pressed against Rick’s hip and he jumped as he felt it. He glanced downwards and saw that Negan’s pants were tented. His dick was as hard as a rock.

Rick gasped. He knew this kind of thing could happen. There’d even been a couple of cases of it back when he’d been a cop. One night, Shane and he had visited the bar after a long shift, and one of their co-workers had told them about a call out to some local dude who’d strangled himself to get off, who’d lost his life just to have an intense orgasm. The memory was as raw and vivid in his mind as it had been when he first heard the story. He started to shake uncontrollably, but his body reacted in other ways, too.

It was near impossible to believe that while Rick had been choking Negan to death, he’d also been turning him on. He released his hold on Negan and barely noticed as his limp body fell back onto the ground.

Rick unzipped his jeans, put his hand down them, and started to touch himself.

He was far too distracted to hear that Negan still breathed shallowly beside him.


	3. Your Walls Around Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New tags have been added.

Rick was a sweat-soaked, horny mess. In his delirium, he imagined Negan was lying next to him like a sleeping lover and not in a sorry, lifeless heap. It was wrong, so wrong, and it probably ranked alongside the most immoral things Rick had ever done in his life. A switch had flipped inside his brain, and Rick was dizzy with an unrequited longing he felt like he’d carry with him forever. He needed to get off, and he was going to do it, no matter how sick and depraved it was.

His dick was thick and heavy in his shaking hand, and Rick reveled in the friction as it rubbed against his boxers. He could already feel his orgasm building.

“Negan.”

The word fell from Rick’s lips in a breathy moan.

Rick unzipped his jeans, pulling himself out of them. He whimpered as the flesh hardened responsively, biting his lower lip as he stroked himself with a calloused hand. Negan’s loss would weigh heavily on his soul, but Rick still gave into his dark desires and let the lust command him.

It felt so good. It was the same kind of exhilaration he’d felt when he’d killed those Walkers with Lucille under Negan’s watchful eye. Rick was always going to be his dirty boy now. Nothing would change that.

He thrust his hips against his hand, and dark curls of his hair clung to his face, soaking wet. Rick gazed at Negan hungrily, and his blue eyes stung with tears, watering until his vision blurred. He looked away, concentrating on the heat that surrounded him. He was close to his release now; agonizingly near. He needed it like he needed air.

“Oh, Negan,” he moaned.

Negan’s body shifted. The movement was so slight; it was imperceptible to Rick.

“That’s it, baby,” Negan whispered. “Come for me.”

Rick jumped back, barely able to believe what he saw with his eyes. His heart pounded, but he could not draw breath. “N-no,” he said softly, his face stuck in some dazed kind of fascination as he looked across at Negan, who was very much alive. If Rick had tried to stand up and get away at that moment, he was sure his knees would have given out on him. “This… this can’t be possible.” Rick looked down at his exposed body, and his face reddened. He pulled his jeans up as best he could, covering himself.

“Goddamn it, Rick. Don’t stop on my account.” Negan choked and grasped at his throat. His voice was so hoarse it was barely audible.

He was trying to keep up appearances, Rick quickly realized; to make it look as though things were normal, like Rick’s attempt on his life hadn’t rattled him. There was desperation in Negan’s wide eyes, and his breaths were rapid and shallow. Rick had scared him.

“You hurt?” Rick asked, glancing in his direction, trying to be casual.

“No.” Negan shook his head, but Rick could plainly see his limbs trembling. His voice was soundless and barely more than a scratchy whisper. “You ain’t the first person to try to do a number on me, you son of a bitch.”

“You pushed me too far, Negan. Made me feel as though I was losin’ my goddamn mind.”

“You did this to yourself, Ricky.” Negan attempted but failed to raise his voice. “You ever try and pull this shit again, and I will crush you like a cockroach.” He erupted into a coughing fit, clutching at his neck.

Rick glared at him. His erection throbbed painfully, and now he had Negan to deal with as well.

The Savior was hurting. At that moment, Negan looked far from the big, evil monster he wanted everyone to believe he was. Rick shifted towards him and looked at his neck. Negan’s red scarf and been pulled taut until the fabric had drawn out and narrowed. Underneath it, deep purple bruises were forming. His breath was rasping, and his flushed face was quickly turning a sickly shade of gray.

“Here,” Rick said, pushing a bottle of water to his lips. It was an odd parallel. Less than 48 hours ago, it had been Negan who’d helped Rick to drink after he’d passed out in the afternoon heat.

“Don’t want it.” Negan’s face contorted, and he flinched, trying to move away. When he realized there was nowhere to go, he drank, wincing as he tried to swallow the liquid.

Rick’s mind swirled like a tornado as he recalled all the terrible things Negan and he had said and done to each other. What would Negan do to Rick now he’d almost killed him? Worse still, what would he do to his people?

Tears formed in Rick’s eyes again, and this time he was the one who tried to move away. But Negan caught him, cupped Rick’s face in his hand, and stared back at him with frightening intensity. Rick froze, as though he was paralyzed on the spot. It was still impossible to breathe, and he was convinced his heart was going to explode in his chest.

“You’re gonna get blue balls,” Negan said, looking down at Rick’s hard-on. “Ain’t nobody wants that.”

“Guess it’s too bad.” But every hair on Rick’s body was standing on end. He felt so exposed having Negan look at him like this, and it was as intimate as he’d been with anybody in a long time.

“Hell, I could take care of it for you.” Negan grinned. “We both know how much you’d like that. I’m damn good with my hands.”

Rick ached even more. Negan had taught him to cave into all his darkest temptations, one after the other, and dammit, he liked it. He wasn’t sure what this was – maybe Negan was trying to placate him after Rick had tried to take his life, or perhaps it was just a cruel trick. Rick could no longer muster up the energy to care about Negan’s sick mind games. He just wanted him.

“Touch me.” Rick could barely believe the words had fallen out of his mouth and was embarrassed by the need in his voice. “Please, touch me.”

Human contact. It was the thing he craved most in this world. Perhaps it was worth dying for.

Negan looked at him, his face a bloody, tired mess. His expression was unreadable.

“You don’t have to. Not if you don’t wanna,” Rick said, second-guessing himself. “You’re not into me, and I get that.”

“Never said I wasn’t into you.” Negan licked his lips. “I said I wasn’t gonna rape you. Damn, Rick. There’s a big fucking difference.”

Rick sat down, too anxious to speak, too afraid to move. He wanted Negan more than he’d ever wanted anyone, and it was tearing him apart.

Negan moved closer, and a predator-like intensity returned to his brown eyes. He tugged at Rick’s jeans, exposing his nakedness.

“Well, shit, Rick,” Negan exclaimed. “That’s one impressive cock you got there.”

Rick swallowed hard, overcome with embarrassment. The boundary between pleasure and pain was so narrow, and he needed to deal with his ‘problem’ now. A strangled moan fell from his lips.

“Now, I don’t do this to many guys,” Negan said teasingly. “But that crazy, feral, cold-blooded murderer shit you got goin’ on – well, it just tickles my balls. So, I guess I’m gonna have to make an exception.”

It took all Rick’s restraint not to beg him.

He watched on, enthralled as Negan took his dick in his hand and spat on it for lubrication. Negan was going to be just as filthy as Rick had imagined he would be. The moment he finally put his mouth on him was as close to heaven as Rick thought he was ever going to get. His dick throbbed and pulsed at the heat and the wetness. Negan’s lips were so tight around him, and damn, if Rick hadn’t just strangled him to within an inch of his life, then he would have fucked that beautiful mouth into oblivion.

Rick let out a long, hungry groan.

It didn’t feel strange to him when Negan’s stubbly beard caught his sensitive skin. Rick could only wonder why he’d never let a man do this to him before. Negan was silent, apart from the odd hum here and there as he moved his head up and down. It was so much better than hearing him talk.

Negan freed his dick with a slick popping sound.

“You like this, Rick?”

Like was an understatement. Rick nodded eagerly, his skin turning pink. A smirk spread across Negan’s face.

Negan stroked him with his strong, powerful hands. He took Rick’s balls in his mouth, sucking gently. The pleasure was almost overwhelming.

“Fuck,” Rick whimpered, grabbing fistfuls of Negan’s short hair.

Negan took the sensitive head of his dick again, swirling his tongue around it, making Rick tingle, and pushing him further towards the edge.

“I’m gonna come.” Rick gasped.

Negan released him and pumped at the long length of his dick. Rick bit on his lower lip and his orgasm hit him so violently he cried out. The sticky mess squirted everywhere. Some of it landed on Negan, and the rest dribbled slowly down Rick’s jeans.

Rick crumpled into a heap, his chest heaving up down with heavy breaths. His heart felt strangely light, as though the burdens he carried were no longer there. Rick knew that wasn’t true, but he relished the feeling while it lasted.

“Well, hot damn.” Negan looked him up and down, eyes dark with lust. “If I didn’t know any better I’d think I’d died and was on the other fucking side. You are delicious, Rick.”

Rick’s cheeks flushed, and he squirmed away, looking in the opposite direction. It had been a long time since someone had complimented his body. He was still reeling from his climax and how clever Negan was with that mouth of his. He replayed what they’d done together, over and over in his mind. Just trying to think about the implications of it was making his stomach knot.

Rick gathered his jeans and pulled them back up around his hips self-consciously. A moment passed in complete silence.

“Never intended to kill you,” he said to Negan.

“Geez, Rick.” Negan shook his head, but the smile remained on his face. “That was a shitty apology.”

It was the first time they’d both ever laughed together. In fact, Rick wasn’t sure Negan had even heard him laugh out loud before. He hadn’t had much to smile about lately.

Rick knew he needed to walk away; that Negan was like a drug he couldn’t allow himself to get addicted to. And yet, he could not stop.

Slowly, and with uncertainty, Rick moved closer to him. They sat side by side and stared at each other, as though each was trying to work the other one out. Rick fluttered his eyelids and touched Negan’s face with the palm of his hand.

Their lips came together, and their salt-and-pepper beards brushed against one another. Rick slid his tongue into Negan’s mouth, tasting a mixture of blood that must’ve leaked from the back of his nose when Rick had punched him, and his own scent. It was a clumsy, desperate kiss. Negan was still at first, but he soon responded, and Rick felt his tongue exploring every part of his mouth.

A string of saliva remained between them when Rick finally backed away.

“Wanna make you feel good, now.” Rick looked at Negan yearningly. He felt like a clumsy schoolboy who was learning about the birds and the bees, not a nearly middle-aged man who’d had a lifetime of experience. He desperately hoped that whatever he did to Negan, it would be enough to satisfy him.

“Christ, Rick,” Negan whispered. “You’re just full of surprises.”

“Before, when you passed out. You were…” Rick cleared his throat.

“Hard as a fucking rock.” Negan completed the sentence for him. “Fuck, I’ve still got a semi. If somebody hadn’t roughed me up so bad, I’d go for a little freaky deaky. But as I am currently indisposed…” He glared in Rick’s direction.

“Please, let me do this.” Rick gazed at him intensely. It was strange, but part of him had always enjoyed giving more than receiving. It would feel wrong if he didn’t at least try to get Negan off.

With a shaking hand, he loosened Negan’s shirt from his pants. He unzipped them, and slipped his long fingers inside Negan’s boxers. He felt Negan’s dick throb in his palm.

Rick’s pulse was so heavy he could feel it in his throat. It was silly after everything that had passed between them that day, but Rick was still nervous. He’d never jerked another guy off before. It couldn’t be that difficult, he thought to himself. After all, he knew how to get himself off – he’d done it enough times. He tried to relax and go with the flow.

He pulled Negan free of his boxers and started to stroke him with quick, swift movements.

“Careful, Rick.” Negan moaned under his breath. “Every damn bone in my body hurts because of you.”

It was a chilling confession. Rick couldn’t imagine Negan as a man who liked to admit his weaknesses, even the more insignificant ones. He steadied his hand into a slow, lazy, rhythm and pumped his dick.

“That’s it, Rick.” Soft sounds started to emanate from Negan’s throat. “Get me off. Damn, it’s not like I’m gonna screw any of my wives tonight.”

Rick glared at him, and the jealousy like a raged like a hot tide inside him. “Remember whose hand is around you,” he snarled.

“Now, don’t be like that, sugar.” His voice was sickly sweet. “It’s you I want.”

“It better be,” Rick said lowly, but he second-guessed himself again, wondering if he was good enough as a lover. He didn’t know how the hell he was going to compete with however many wives Negan had got locked up in the Sanctuary. The thought stung him.

Rick’s movements became more fluid, until his fingers warmed with friction and his hand glided smoothly along Negan’s rigid length. He felt sick and exhilarated all at once as Negan let out low needy moans. Pre-cum dripped along his dick, and Rick used it to lubricate his palm. Negan’s hips bucked against his fist, and Rick knew from the glazed look in his eyes that he was close to his climax.

“Let go, Negan,” Rick said temptingly, his hand insistent in its movements.

He heard Negan’s breath catch in the back of his throat, and for the first time since they’d met, the Savior floundered for words.

“Christ, Rick.” Negan’s mouth was agape. “Oh, baby.”

Rick grinned at the pet name. He watched as Negan came, hard and fast. His face was awash with pleasure, and Rick felt his body shaking under his touch. Negan was maddeningly beautiful when he was like this. Rick was so overcome by him; he felt as though he had a mild fever. He wanted to kiss him again, to touch him more, to know everything there was to know about him. But equally, he wanted Negan out of his life so that peace would reign over Alexandria.

Everything was such a fucking mess.

Once Negan’s breathing had slowed, Rick could see exhaustion spread across his face. Negan rubbed his back and then his throat. He was beaten up, and their energetic activities had probably only made the situation worse.

Rick looked around the pantry. Dented cans were scattered everywhere, far too few to even feed his own people for the next week, let alone Negan’s. The shelves were bent where he and Negan had crashed into them. It looked like a disaster zone.

“What do we do now?” Rick asked, swallowing hard.

Negan shot him a dazed look. “You tell me, cowboy,” he said.

“We… we gotta figure out a way forward.” Rick sighed. “We can’t keep doin’ this to each other.”

“But you like it.” Negan shot him a fierce look. “The violence, the killing, the damn sexual tension between us. You’re livin’ for it right now, Rick. I can see it in those baby blue eyes of yours.”

“No.” He shook his head. Even now, Rick didn’t want to admit what he’d become, or the power Negan had over him.

“Y’know, part of me wants to rip your treacherous heart right out of your chest.” Negan glared at him. “I wanna kill you, bury you, dig you up and do it all over again. And believe me, Rick, I could do it if I wanted to. With my bare fucking hands.”

Rick could hardly believe his ears. It outraged him to hear Negan talking to him like this after Rick had almost torn him to shreds. Every time they took a step forward, they took two steps backwards.

“Then, there’s another part of me that just wants to screw your damn brains out, and make you my number one bitch.” He licked his lips.

Rick folded his arms, trying not to react to Negan’s crudeness. He had unnerved Negan today – that much had been evident. Maybe neither of them truly understood what Rick was capable of. Humiliated men were the most dangerous kind of men, and Rick was sick of being walked all over. Sick of letting this world get the better of him.

“I think I got it all figured out, Rick. You and I, we both want the same thing.” Negan tilted his head as he looked towards him. “We just got different ways of goin’ about getting it.”

“I’m not like you.” Rick spat the words out bitterly. His ears were ringing, and his head was spinning.

“Oh, but you are.” Negan smirked at him. “You’re even worse. You’re deceptive.”

“I don’t understand.” Rick’s eyes were vacant.

“See, everyone knows what they’re gettin’ with me. I’m a balls to the wall kinda guy. I run my mouth, and I take no shit. My way of doing things gets results.”

Rick rolled his eyes.

“But you – you’re afraid to be who you truly are in front of your people. You don’t want them to see your true colors because it fucking scares the shit out of you.” Negan grinned. “You’re a fucking badass, Rick Grimes. A stone cold, bloodthirsty killer. And you can be that guy around me. You don’t gotta hide jack shit because I’m the only one who gets you. Hell, I _like_ you.” Negan’s voice was starting to wither away to nothingness again.

Rick flexed his shoulders restlessly, staring into space. He wanted to pretend Negan’s character assassination hadn’t got under his skin, and that none of it was true. He wanted to pretend Negan couldn't read him like a book.

“You don’t know me,” Rick stammered. “Hadn’t even met me ‘til a couple weeks back.”

“Then, tell me everythin’ I just said about you was wrong.” Negan challenged him. “Bet you got sick of years of playin' good cop and toeing the line. Even without the Walkers, a switch woulda flipped in you one day. Give into your urges Rick, be the man you want to be. Believe me; it’ll be goddamn glorious when you do.”

Rick was mortified. His stomach lurched with nerves, and he shook on the spot. “None of this would be necessary if you weren’t starvin’ my people,” he whispered.

“Christ, Rick. Figure it out. You’re a resourceful guy because you’ve survived this long. Find enough fucking supplies for us all, and maybe you and I can have sex on the side, to sweeten the deal.” Negan licked his lips. “Ain’t no need for us to be fightin’.”

Rick’s head was a jumbled mess. One minute he’d had Negan where he wanted him, an unconscious heap on the floor. The next, Negan was mentally beating him down again.

He was much too stubborn to concede power to anyone, let alone a tyrant like Negan. But the idea of having peace at Alexandria _and_ Negan’s warm body in his bed was tantalizing. Rick’s resolve was weakening.

“Say I agree to give this a go,” Rick whispered. “You promise to leave my people alone? To let them live their lives?”

“I promise, baby.” Negan flashed him a toothy smile. “Long as we get our food, I’m gonna play nice. Real nice. You’re gonna like it a whole lot.”

Rick’s face flushed crimson. He was being backed into a corner, and he knew it. It was as though he was on the verge of selling his soul to the devil.

He pondered the proposition for a minute or two. Any deal between Rick and the Saviors would only be temporary, given the push-pull nature of his and Negan’s relationship. Something was bound to go wrong eventually – it was as inevitable as night turning into day. Negan was far too obnoxious to play by the rules, and truthfully, so was Rick.

He wasn’t selling out. By doing this, Rick was biding his time, and dammit, he was going to have some fun along the way.

“You and me,” Rick said, inching closer to Negan. “We’re gonna have ourselves another road trip. There’s food out there somewhere, and we’ll find it. Might have to look a lot further afield. Could take a couple weeks, to drive out far enough to do some decent scavenging.”

“Hell, Rick. I can’t leave the Sanctuary for two weeks.” Negan rubbed his face with his hands. “I’m in charge.”

“What about your right-hand man? Simon, ain’t it?” Rick asked. “And the other one? Dwight?”

“Everyone should have themselves a Simon.” Negan grinned, but there was no conviction in his voice. “And I got Dwight, Arat and Gavin.” He added as if to brag.

“What will our groups think if we make them do all the hard work?” Rick blinked. “It looks bad, Negan. Besides don’t you wanna be with me again?”

Negan bit his lower lip, and nodded. “We gotta be seen to be contributin’, right? Keep the little people happy. Hell, that’s how this leadership shit works.”

Rick smirked and pulled Negan towards him. Their lips met, and Rick let Negan devour him with his mouth.


	4. On the Road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. Remember me? So, it's seriously been like 84 years since I updated and I apologise for that. As some of you know, my mum is extremely sick at the moment and life has been hectic to say the least. I've been missing this story, and hope I'll be able to update more in the coming weeks. If you're still interested in reading after all this time, then thank you <3

Several humid days passed without any sign of Negan. Every imaginable scenario crossed Rick’s mind during those long hours, and none of them were good. The silence was almost as suffocating as the heat itself. 

He wondered if Negan was lying in a bed in the Sanctuary having his injuries tended to by their doctor. Perhaps they were worse than he’d first thought – a broken bone here or there, or bruises that just would not heal. Maybe his voice had never come back after what Rick did to him.

A deep ache throbbed in his chest every time he thought about Negan being hurt. He repeatedly tried to push the sensation away, to quell it before it spread like wildfire. Rick knew he could not afford to be merciful. Not anymore. Whatever he and Negan had going on between them, it was happening on borrowed time.

Rick could hardly eat his daily rations. He did not sleep. He barely existed. The only time he came alive was when he remembered how good it felt when Negan touched him and imagined the taste of his mouth on his lips.

–

Nights were the worst.

Rick left the window slightly ajar, and though there was very little air movement, it still made breathing easier. He stood over Judith’s toddler bed, his neck craned as he watched her sleeping peacefully. He’d been keeping vigil over her a lot lately, ever since losing Glenn and Abraham. Ever since gaining Negan.

When he looked at his daughter, Rick hated the man he’d allowed himself to become. One day, Judith would be old enough to understand her dad had killed Walkers for pleasure. She’d know he’d slept with his enemy and had wanted to keep doing it despite the consequences. She would think he was the monster, not Negan, and she would be right.

Judith and Carl represented everything good in Rick’s world, and he was still succumbing to the darkness, despite his undying love for them. He did not know where to turn next.

“Dad? What are you doing?”

He heard the soft shuffling of Carl’s feet as he came into the small makeshift nursery. Rick looked up to see his son’s face illuminated by the pale moonlight, giving him a ghostlike quality. For a moment he looked frighteningly like Lori, and Rick could barely meet his gaze.

“She woke up,” Rick whispered. “Think she had a nightmare or somethin’.”

“Never heard her crying,” Carl said plainly. “And I’m usually the first.”

Rick gave a noncommittal shrug.

“I’m not stupid. I know you haven’t been sleeping, dad.” Carl sighed, biting his lower lip. “What’s going on?”

“Nothin’.” Rick’s reply was instantaneous, as though he’d rehearsed it in his head. “S’been too hot to sleep, Carl.”

Judith stirred and let out a little moan. Carl put his finger to his lips, gesturing to his father to keep quiet. The two of them slowly stepped out of the room and ventured back out into the hallway.

“You’ve been acting weird ever since…” Carl’s voice faded away. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Since what?” Rick screwed his face up in annoyance, but internally, guilt was gnawing away at him. He knew exactly what Carl was going to say and he didn’t want to hear it.

“Since that first time you went out with Negan.” Carl looked directly at his father.

“No.” Rick shook his head, his mouth going dry. He wanted to push Negan away like a dirty secret, to pretend he didn’t exist. “We talked about that. About everything that happened. He was just testin’ me.”

“He’s gonna test you a hell of a lot more when you spend two whole weeks with him.”

Rick’s cheeks reddened.

“What’s going on with you and him, dad?” Carl bit his lip. “I’ve never seen anyone have a hold over you like this before.”

“He – he hasn’t got a hold over me.” Rick’s ears started to ring, and the world spun around him.

“Then why –?”

“That’s enough, Carl.” Rick interrupted, his nausea refusing to abate.

Silence lingered heavily between them, and Carl stared at the ground, crestfallen.

“Don’t shut me out, dad,” he whispered without looking up. “Please.”

“I’m not shutting you out,” Rick replied, but he knew it was a lie.

Rick’s heart ached in his chest. He didn’t know what to say or how to tell Carl the truth. He knew his erratic behavior was making no sense to his son, and he loathed himself for his deceit. Carl and Judith deserved so much better. They deserved a father who put their needs before his feelings of lust and desire. They deserved to feel safe in their home and to have decent food on the table every day.

Rick couldn’t do any of those things for them anymore.

He had failed them, and he had failed himself.

–

Two vehicles arrived just after dawn, the hum of their engines catapulting Rick into an uneasy state of alertness. He didn’t need to pull the curtain aside to know it was Negan and the Saviors – his instincts had already told him as much.  

Every hair on Rick’s body stood on end.

It was time. There was no turning back. He was really going to do this.

Rick grabbed his hastily packed bag and slung it over his shoulder. He didn’t have many possessions left anymore – all it contained was a couple of clean shirts, pairs of jeans, and some water.

“You’re gonna need these.”

Carl’s voice startled Rick. He turned to find his son standing still behind him with half a dozen cans of food cradled in his arms. Rick recognized them instantly as the cans that had scattered around him and Negan during their fight in the pantry. Their dents and imperfections gave them away. Carl must have made a calculated effort to swipe them.

“I can’t – I can’t take those.” Rick raised a hand dismissively. “We’re all starvin’ as it is.”

“Then it’s not going to make much of a difference.” Carl shrugged, the smallest of smiles tugging at his mouth.

“Olivia won’t be happy.”

“When is she ever happy?”

Rick couldn’t help but grin. Somewhere down the line, his son’s humor had become as dark as his own. The hurt and the shame from their last conversation still lingered in Rick’s memory. For Carl to make such a selfless gesture overwhelmed him, and Rick’s blue eyes filled with tears.

“Just be careful out there, dad.” Carl sighed. “You know I don’t trust him.”

Rick nodded and attempted to swallow the lump in his throat. “Carl…”

“You don’t need to say anything.” Carl’s voice was barely above a whisper. “Just come home again. Come home to Judith and me once you’ve figured out this thing with Negan.”

Rick froze on the spot, Carl’s words rendering him breathless. He could barely muster a response.

“I’m gonna make this right, Carl, I…”

“I know, dad. I know.”

A stricken sound fell from Rick’s lips as he pulled Carl into a hug, clutching at him as though it was for the last time. Maybe it would be.

“I gotta go.”

Carl didn’t reply.

Rick slowly backed away towards the door, towards Negan. His self-disgust was only equalled by his self-hatred.

Rick was leaving Alexandria as a lost and broken man. Somehow, he’d have to piece himself back together out there in the middle of nowhere, with Negan right by his side.

–

“You good to go?” Negan casually tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, glancing in Rick’s direction.

Rick nodded, though he couldn’t bring himself to meet Negan’s gaze. Not just yet. He paced round to the passenger door and opened it.

“You uh… wanna put that bag of yours in the back?” Negan waved a finger towards Rick’s backpack, his lips curling into a wry smile. “We got a hell of a journey ahead of us. You’re gonna need the leg room.”

Rick merely responded with a slight tip of his head before doing what Negan had asked. Adrenaline surged through his body, and tension pounded at the base of his skull.

“Geez, Ricky. You sure know how to keep a guy waiting,” Negan said, as Rick finally slid into the seat beside him.

Rick still did not speak. He folded his arms and stared straight ahead – he barely even blinked. Negan tutted a sound of disapproval as the truck slowly crept forward, towards the gates. Spencer and Rosita were the ones policing them; their expressions etched with heated objection as they opened them to allow Rick and Negan to leave.

Rick caught a last-minute glimpse of Carl and Judith in the rear-view mirror, waving them off. It was almost too much to bear when Negan opened the window and stuck his hand out to bid them goodbye. He had no right, Rick thought to himself. It made him sick to his stomach when he thought about how Negan had tried to ingratiate himself with his son, how he’d wanted to slot himself into their family as though he’d always belonged there.

He hadn’t. He wouldn’t. Not ever.

And yet, Rick still yearned for Negan and was almost as thirsty for him as the scorched land was for the rain.

–

Only a few brave Walkers lingered against the settlement, wandering amongst the burnt-out cars and half dead vegetation. There was nothing left now, at least not in Alexandria and its surrounding towns. It was a wasteland.

The vehicle began to pick up speed, and Rick’s stomach lurched. Negan’s driving left much to be desired.

“Hell, Rick.” Negan snarled. “It’s going to be two long fucking weeks if you don’t quit giving me the silent treatment, sweetheart.”

“I’m not your sweetheart,” Rick replied coldly.

A deep bellied laugh fell from Negan’s mouth. “I thought we were past all that, sugar.” He continued to snicker.

“You thought we were past what?”

“Why, you playing hard to get, of course.” Negan licked his lips. “You didn’t seem to mind me so much when I had my lips around your dick.”

“This… this is different.” A shiver of excitement ran down Rick’s spine at the vivid memory. His body warmed in ways he did not want it to.

“Is it?” Negan interrupted before Rick could gather his thoughts. “This whole road trip was your goddamn idea, you stubborn son of a bitch.”

“S’not like you were objectin’ to it.” Rick sighed.

“We had a deal!” Negan slammed his fists against the steering wheel. “You going back on your word, Rick? Because that shit ain’t cool. That shit won’t float with me.”

“That’s not what I said, Negan.” Rick exaggerated his name, drawing out each syllable as he pronounced it.

Negan stared at him harshly. “If there’s one thing I hate, it’s people wasting my goddamn time. And that’s all you’ve ever done to me, ever since I met your sorry ass.”

“Ain’t too late to turn around,” Rick said the words quietly, his voice barely above a whisper.

“That’s what you want?” Negan glared at him, but there was joy in his expression. “Cause I can do that, Rick. I can take you right back to your people and your kids, let them starve to death right in front of your eyes. Hell, you could die too. And you’d die never knowing what it was like to have me inside you.” Negan paused to lick his lips. “How’d you like that, Rick? At least I got my wives, right?”

Rick grimaced. He had to hand it to Negan – this was one hell of a performance. Inwardly, he was shaking. Not with anger, but with hunger, and longing.

Negan had him exactly where he wanted, and Rick knew it.

“So,” Negan hummed. “What’s it gonna be, cowboy?”

“Stop the truck,” Rick said. “Pull over.”

“You’re making one hell of a mistake – “

“Pull over!” Rick insisted.

Negan was shaking his head as he slowed the vehicle down. “You don’t know who you’re messin’ with. Goddammit, Rick, I should kill you right here, right now, with my bare fucking hands.” Negan spoke through gritted teeth.

The roar of the engine ended as Negan turned it off. Rick’s ears rang despite the sudden silence. Sweat was dripping from the dark curly strands of hair that brushed his forehead. His breaths came in uneven pants as he slowly turned to face his nemesis.

“Now.” Rick’s voice was barely more than a growl.

“Say what?” Negan’s eyes narrowed, but he couldn’t avert his gaze from Rick. It was as though they were both mesmerized by each other.

“Now,” Rick repeated. “I want you inside me now.” He raised his trembling hand and placed it on Negan’s thigh, thumbing at the bulge in his jeans.

Negan stared at Rick like a predator would at its prey. A dark, low laugh started to fall from his mouth. “Well, aren’t you just full of surprises?” He ran his tongue over his lips hungrily.

 


End file.
